TAKING THINGS INTO HIS OWN HANDS

Part of the fun of being on base patrol, especially on night shift, was that you could visit some of the “parking”, or “sparking” (as my dad used to call them in his day) spots around the base. Young lovers are quite ingenious at finding little hidden or less traveled areas of an Air Force Base where they can be alone. If you have ever been a “young lover,” and you did not have your own place yet, then you know exactly how ingenious!

However, sometimes a “would be lover” can be down right unimaginative!

Early one Sunday morning, around 2 or 3 AM, I made a routine check through a parking lot at the rear of several student barracks. I knew that girls sometimes brought Airmen back to base and some tended to take a little too long to say goodnight! I was on the prowl and up to no good!

As I made a turn at the end of a row of vehicles, my headlights lit up something familiar – feet, feet sticking up from the back seat over the front seat. This, or the top of a head, or someone’s backside mooning me, was what I was hoping to find!

I quickly pushed the lights to their parking position and dismounted the truck with flashlight in hand. A quick flash of the light and I could tell that whoever it was had apparently missed or ignored the lights of my vehicle. The feet remained still, hanging over the front seat as I approached. “Perhaps they are staying still thinking I will not see them,” I thought to myself.

Standing just a couple of feet from the rear window, I smiled with anticipation at what I was about to see.

FLICK! The flashlight was full on, yet the Airman did not move. “Ah, he’s asleep, but what is in his lap?” I asked myself.

As I moved up the window and shined the light fully on him, my jaw dropped and my eyes bugged out! There he was, fast asleep, pants pushed down, and he was holding firmly to his manhood with his right hand! Yep, the “little Airman” was at full attention, but his commander had long since stopped commanding the situation!

I took giant steps backward, wheeled around, and ran back to the side of my truck, where I burst out laughing! “Keesler Police, Unit 2.”

“Go ahead Unit 2.”

“Keesler Police, please have Unit 3 rendezvous with this unit at…” I said giving my location and doing a good job of hiding my excitement!

Unit 3, that night, was David Hillberry, a good ol’ boy from West “by god” Virginia. He seemed about a foot taller than I was and weighed almost as much as Sgt. Webb, and therefore was a much more imposing figure than I could have been at the time. He was a fun loving troop who had a lovely wife and baby and was the only “married personnel” on A Flight. From time to time, I used to visit him and his family in their home in base housing.

Hillberry rolled into the rear of the parking lot and as he approached, he too extinguished his lights and got out. “What’s up?”

“Follow me…you ain’t go’na believe this.”

It was the cool time of year in Biloxi and so the Airman had left the windows up to keep out the night air, so there was no real danger of him hearing us walk up to the car.

I turned on my flashlight and lit up the backseat, and almost instantly, Hillberry covered his mouth to stifle his laughter and backed up a few steps. As soon as we composed ourselves, he asked me what I wanted to do.

I explained that I did not want to get the guy in any trouble, but we did need to teach him a lesson.

Hillberry said, watch this. He walked up to the window and loudly tapped on the window with the butt of his flashlight.

Immediately the surprised Airman rose straight up, banging his head hard against the roof of the car, making a loud metallic popping sound, as if someone had run headlong into the side of a car door headfirst!

Simultaneously, the Airman began scrambling and fumbling with his pants, and with the “little Airman” at “parade rest”, he finally managed to get them up and fastened. However, he sat there with his arms across his lap as if nothing had happened.

Hillberry tapped the window again and hollered for him to get out.

I was standing to the side and just behind David, trying my best not to laugh and not to let the young Airman see my face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Hillberry said, screaming like a drill sergeant right into the troop’s right ear.

“I…I…I went to town (sniff),” he began, starting to cry and whipping snot on his sleeve, “…and, and I couldn’t find a girl, and I was so horny (sniff)…and I miss my girl…my girl back home.” At this point, he was bawling like a baby with more snot coming out of his nose, mixing with saliva coming from his open mouth, and he was sucking in short breaths of air.

“Well, why in the hell are you out here in public Airman?” Hillberry pressed.

“I…I…I don’t know, I…I just got…drunk, and couldn’t help it! Awh man…I’m sorry,” he sobbed.

“Why didn’t you go inside…go in the latrine or some place man?”

Hillberry did all the talking because I just could not get out a word that sounded anywhere close to authority!

“I know…I know I should have…I’m sorry.”

“Go on troop, get your ass in that building and don’t ever let us catch you out here like that gain. YOU UNDERSTAND?”

“Yessir!”

“Get!”

With that, David and I turned and walked back to the trucks and then burst out laughing again. However, we soon ended our little entertainment break with David saying, “You know, I kinda felt sorry for the poor guy.”

“Yeah,” I said, “there but for the grace of God…”

“I know what ch’a mean man,” David agreed with a big smile on his face.

That was a lesson two Airman, well, maybe three, never forgot!