Sunday, April 01, 2007


I do not often tell this story, just to close friends, and we have grown close over the past year or so, so you might as well know what kind of person Mushy is too.

It all began one day, back when I was last single, when I went to Wal-Mart to pick up some bachelor supplies – beer, wieners, peanut butter, bread, and chips, you know, the usual.

As I walked by this car, there sat a beautiful young thing on the passenger side near the path through the cars I had taken. She and I met eyes about the same moment and I started to look away, but something about her made me stare back. As I got near I spoke some stupid greeting, and to my surprise she spoke back. I lingered there a moment, trying to decide whether she was there with a guy or just a friend, when she began asking me questions about my car. I had a ’78 Trans Am at the time, and of course with its headers and cherry bombs, I probably rolled in pretty noisily.

She was so easy to talk to and before I knew it almost 30 minutes had passed, and the only real reason I wanted to move on was the fact that I had to pee real bad! I finally just flat asked if she was seeing anyone and she said no, so before I knew it had a date for the coming Friday night.

Before leaving, we exchanged names and she told me where she lived, but then I hurried on inside. Just as I reached the door I looked back and noticed a woman, probably her mother, getting into the car. This made me feel better and cleared my mind of the worry about whether or not she was there with some guy. There was still that concern though, about why she was not dating someone – young and pretty as she was and all – but she must just be between boy friends.

I made great plans in my head all week about what to do to show this beautiful girl a good time. Dinner, dancing, a movie, moonlight walk along the river, maybe push each other in the park swings in the shadows, man I just wanted it to be right.

Friday came and showed up at her house and her father met me at the front door and directed me into the living room.

We introduced ourselves and he explained that his daughter and wife were in her room putting on the final female touches. I chuckled and said I understood how those things go. I was a little nervous since there was an obvious age difference between the girl and me, but there was no hint of concern from her father and he soon put me at ease with small talk.

Just then, in came my gorgeous young date being pushed in a wheelchair by her mother. Before my eyes got too wide open and my mouth could fall completely open, I moved toward her and presented her with the small bouquet of flowers I had brought. “You sure look beautiful tonight!” Inside I was thinking, “Wow! I never saw this coming…no reason to have known…she never got out of the car.”

If you think that would have been hard to cover, try covering the shock of her not having any legs, I mean none, no legs from the hips down! This boiled over in my mind while I fought to remain in control of my manners, speech, eyes, and actions. I was determined not to hurt this girl’s feelings at all. I focused every fiber of human kindness within me into making the best of this situation.

“Oh, thank you, you are so kind, and the flowers are beautiful,” she said.

My eyes looked up and caught her mother giving me a questioning look, so I quickly spoke to her, “I see where (we’ll call her Ruby) get’s her good looks.”

This seemed to catch her off guard and the mother blushed and smiled at me, “Why…thank you.”

We exchanged pleasantries for a few short minutes. All the while, her mother and father seemed to be checking me out, or trying to figure me out.

“Well, we better be off, the…movie (yeah, that’ll work I thought) starts soon, and we don’t want to miss the beginning,” I said nervously.

Yeah,” she agreed, “we better be going! See ya dad, bye mom.”

I took the controls from her mother, who did not seem to want to let go and pushed Ruby outside, down the ramp I had missed earlier, and up to the car.

Actually, things went better than I could have imagined. In the movie, I parked her by an aisle seat, went got popcorn and drinks. Ruby seemed to enjoy the movie very much, but I could not tell you what was on for the life of me. I rolled it repeatedly in my mind, and promised to remember the lesson learned the next time I saw a pretty young thing sitting in a parking lot. “Hey, get out for a moment, please?”

The movie ended, and the dinner afterwards was actually enjoyable. She was seated opposite me, chair up under the table, and I actually forgot all about her handicap until it was time to go. She had a way of pulling me into deep conversation and seemed to want to know everything about me this first night. I even got around to asking about her legs and she explained about a terrible motorcycle accident she had while riding with an old boyfriend, who himself had been killed.

As I pushed her to the car, and we drove back in the direction of her house, I began to have thoughts that I might actually see her again. She was quite stunning, coal black hair and matching eyes, and a body, well, from the hips up, that would normally stop any guy cold in his tracks.

When we neared her house, she touched my arm and asked me to pull off at the next road, which was obviously an entrance into a field that her “daddy owned.” I got out and pushed open the metal gate, pulled the car through, went back and closed the gate, and then pulled the car up under a huge oak tree in the pasture.

It was a beautiful setting with a full moon just cresting the hill behind us, lightning bugs flicking on and off out across the field, crickets and frogs serenading us, and the glow of the city lights just over the next hill. You could not ask for a more perfect summer night, but I will have to admit, I was getting a little nervous.

Do you have a blanket?” she asked.

What man of the sixties did not keep a blanket in the trunk of his car? Especially a young man who had been in the military and often took things from supply clerks in payment for fixing speeding tickets! Ah, the perks of being a military policeman…but that is another story!

I took out the G.I. blanket and spread it out under the oak tree. I then scooped her up and placed her on it. I then, nervously, settled in beside her, looked up, and commented on the moon and stars.

“Would you make love to me?” she said without a hint of embarrassment.


I apologize for being so forward, but you see…well, a girl…girls like me don’t often get another chance and, so, I just want to cut to the chase.” She looked away only momentarily and then back into my wide staring eyes.


“I know, it’s not something you normally do, but like I say…”

“Sure, sure I will,” I said breaking in.

There was, needless to say, some awkwardness to the situation and she quickly sensed it. “Look, it you will lift me up, just high enough for me to reach that low hanging limb…I promise, everything will work itself out.” I looked up, thinking maybe she had been here before, but then picked her up and hung her, literally, on the limb.

Believe you me that was one of the finest evenings I have ever spent hanging out (no pun intended) in a cow pasture. Unbelievable! She had definitely been there before and who cared!

I later wheeled her into her living room where her mother took over and pushed her off to her room. “Call me.”

I will,” I said after her.

Her father put his hand on my shoulder and turned me toward him, then took my hand and firmly shook it. “You are a wonderful guy, thank you.”

“It was nothing…she’s a beautiful girl…you don’t need to thank me for having a good time.”

No,” he said, “you don’t understand.”

“Understand? There’s nothing to understand…we had a great time!”

No. Thank you, thank you, ‘cause…”

“Cause why? I don’t understand your attitude,” I said getting angry.

Because…most guys just leaving her hanging down there in that old oak tree.”


Mushy said...


Shrink wrapped scream said...

Jeez, Mushy, I now understand why you guys hang out together.. still, bonny lad, laughed 'til I almost wet myself..glad to have found another warped soul! xx

Fathairybastard said...

Jesus "H" Christ! Man, You spin a good one. I never think about April Fool's Day until it's too late. I'll have to go into class on Monday and yell "pop test" or somethin', and then say "day after April Fool's Day", and just giggle.

Les Becker said...

You piss me off! I was sucked right in and I HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE! It wasn't until "if you could lift me up so I can reach that branch..." that I got mad at you.

If we should ever meet face to face, Mushy, I'm not sure if I'll kiss you or kick you. At the moment, I'm leaning toward kicking you. Twice.

Of course, I'll have to stop laughing first.

EC said...

Man you sure had me going!! LOL - I TOTALLY believed that story :) You crack me up!

Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

You sure pulled both my legs.

Marie said...

How did I get fooled? How did I get fooled? I KNEW it was A.F. Day. I am such an idiot.

Mushy said...

I don't remember how many times I got slapped or punched on the shoulder for telling this story to new girl friends. Usually about the 3rd or 4th date was the optimum time to tell the tale. I was basically a pretty compassionate guy and they usually fell under my spell saying "I knew you were that kind of guy" all the way up to the punch line.

I still am proded to tell it to new people visiting by family members who know the story. They want to see new reactions and I have been embarrassed a time or two. Once when I finished, there was no reaction and a guy looked at me and said, "my sister is crippled."

Michele said...

You had me hooked until you got to the tree limb; then I remembered I heard that one before! That was a good one!

Jose said...

You fool! Oh no wait, we are the fools for reading every single line and believing it. That was pretty convincing, does that mean you only told me that story because it's April Fools and not because you are now my close friend? I believed that one too. Be sure to come and visit, I haven't seen you around my blog lately.

BRUNO said...

Now I'm pissed! Why? 'Cause I was the last jackass in line today to read it! Yes, I fell for it, too! By the last line, I thought, "I just fell for April fools, and I'm gonna hammer him for it!" Then I looked at the comments counter, and already knew---I was too late!!!

David Sullivan said...

Did you call her again?...My balls hurt from laughing so hard.

Suldog said...

You funny SON OF A BITCH! I was so completely and utterly sucked in, thinking you were this wonderful guy and wondering if the story ended with you calling her again, etc., and then you pull the rug out from under me and send me flying.

GREAT joke, my man, just a GREAT joke.

Mushy said...

Thanks everyone...glad you seemed to have enjoyed it better than most girls I've dated!

Actually, I probably would have done exactly the same anyway. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, and I try to judge people by their heart and not their outward appearance.

jan said...

Innocent and trusting as I am (some might say dumb) I was sucked in until the very last line. Well done.

Becky said...

Ha! I had a feeling this was a joke, based on your comment on my blog but it was a good one:)

Mark Steel said...

Ya know ... I have to admit, I never saw it coming.

Good job!

phlegmfatale said...

waka waka waka!!!

You had me. Loved it.