Sunday, July 23, 2006


Oh, the joys of visiting a farm and learning the ways of your farm-raised father are seemingly endless. Some of those ways involved the family barn and the family “business.”

Ever hear the old country saying: “He went to the outhouse to do his business and the hogs ate him?” Well to translate they are saying, “I have no idea where he/she is.” To me, it has a slightly different meaning!

Well my dad, for some bazaar reason, liked to do his “business” in the shed that was attached to the far side of the barn, and what is even more bazaar, he used to take me with him. The picture etched in my brain of my dad squatting near by, is not the way I like to remember him, but sometimes that is all that is available.

The shed was open on three sides and ran the full length of the barn but sharing the same roof as the barn, with large wooden gates on each end. A 1X6 board fence, painted the same color as the barn, was open to the hog lot on the long closed side.

The lesson to be learned was that you first went to the corncrib, where all the dried corn was put through a corn sheller that removed all the corn from the cob. You then selected 1 white cob and 2 brown cobs (See the photo for a look at a sheller and the different color corncobs – Wow, you’re really learning something here and don’t even know it yet!).

The trick then was to do your business, clean things up with the 2 brown cobs (using all available surface area) and then you tidy up and check out your effectiveness with the white one. See how simple life was on the farm - there was no need for cumbersome two-ply paper!

So, now we get back to the alternate translation of “the hogs ate him”! To complete the whole ritual you tossed the used cobs over the fence and into the hog lot – the hogs cleaned up the evidence. Thus, if you want to put someone down in a cryptic sort of way, the next time someone asks where old so-and-so is, just quip, “He/She went to the barn, and the hogs ate him/her!” ‘Nuff said!

More on the barn later…and I promise not to include quite so much information.


Goddess said...

Of all the things you *could* have learned from your dad, may I just say...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

And those poor hogs....

Goddess said...

*Note to self: don't read Mushy any more when you're eating breakfast...*

LOL! Got a little more than I bargained for;)

Mushy said...

Sorry 'bout that!

Maybe I should include a warning on those types - ha.

Fathairybastard said...

So then, old Yoda, what exactly is "corn holin'" then? Nevermind. I already know. My dad tells the same stories about the farm days, but that one about your dad taking you out there to watch, is a bit odd. Does remind me of the old days, when we had just one bathroom between the four of us, and having to brish my teeth, standing next to dad while he did his morning dump. Remember the taste of the toothpaste and the smell of his ass mingling in my mind. Odd.

Lin said...

Mushy, that was a wonderful tale! Be sure to bring a bag o' cobs when you show up here!